High Schooler

This is the year she should have graduated from middle school. Off to high school.

Part of me is angry that her school didn’t acknowledge her, I wanted them to remember the little girl that their peace garden is dedicated to. Part of me is so glad that the universe sent a pandemic and spared me endless pictures of graduations and celebrations of kids her age moving on to the next stage of their lives without her.

Either way the overwhelming sense of missing her is there. The hurt remains.

She should be joining her big sister at Frederick High this year. A freshman, tiny fish in a huge pond. A huge change from her little Montessori school. Morgan should be excited to have her there, her best friend and the one she could always turn to, back in the same building again.

These big milestones are so taxing on my heart, my emotions get the better of me and I get bitter, angry, broken. Then I remember how much joy she brought us. How her goofy little laugh could stop me on my grumpiest days and make me laugh too.

In grieving my beautiful Sophie and Madigan I drift off and remember them at each stage of their life. It’s like sitting back and listening to my favorite album, highlighting all their greatest hits, leaving out all the follies. My heart sings along with each note and I feel joy. When the songs are over I wonder why we couldn’t just have a few more songs. The silence is deafening.

I’m hopeful, still, 8 years into this journey without them here, that the hard moments will ease up and more and more joy will creep in. It’s what I know they would want. But I guess life is full of good and bad moments, we just have to work harder to see the good after someone we love is gone.